Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
