i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
