You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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