He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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