she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
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