our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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