You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
pray to the hookup gods
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
