haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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