I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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