Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
