my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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