You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
