We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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