I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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