i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
