and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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