I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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