they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
