The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
