Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think i have two assholes
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
