why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
