You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
