I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
