well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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