last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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