i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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