So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
