We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
