just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
