Even the bartender felt bad for me
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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