I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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