I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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