Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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