I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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