So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
