Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
