he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
