i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
