i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
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