How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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