Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
