so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
