Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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