those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
