just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
