My nipple is on Facebook.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
