I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
