and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
