biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
