She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
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