I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
