You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
