I cockslap morals
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
