This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
